Love Strategies 2/4 – The Courtship
Love Strategies – Love Languages and how they effect a relationship.
In our discussion on Love Strategies, we determined that after the initial courtship phase is over, the couple starts to conserve energy by slacking in the relationship. Over a period of time, as the romance slowly begins to disappear…
The relationship gradually becomes a little stale as each one begins to show their love in their own Representational System. The “Visual” will stop using words or physical touch and body language to convey love as in the early months of the romance. The “Auditory” or “Kinesthetic” person will neglect to open doors, think about birthdays and bring a gift home to the spouse (it could be a small gift), take the other out to have a good time, etc. Let’s look at the characteristics demonstrated under each of the Rep Systems during the courtship:
The “Visual” guy shows up with flowers, buys her dinner, opens her door to the car, the restaurant, and is generally very attentive. The “Visual” female will like to be taken places, she will typically be a smart dresser, because looking good is important to her. She will list the guys looks or “look” as important in her selection of who she will or will not date. She will usually be slender (perhaps a “Twiggy”) or she may have a lot of difficulty with being overweight. “Visuals” are not as connected to their bodies as much as the other representational systems, so they will be a little more extreme in handling weight going from very slender to very overweight. “Visuals” may not be as talented on the dance floor as the “Auditory” or “Kinesthetic” person. A “Visual” will use predicates like: See you later, See what I’M saying, Clearly, Lay your eyes on this… paint a picture, what a sight to behold, what a sight for sore eyes, etc. When you take the NLP Practitioner Training you will learn how to determine a persons Strategies for Love, Decision Making, etc. This new knowledge can help you in your relationships, career, business, and life in general. In this article we are primarily focused on the your relationships and relating. With that in mind, let’s look at the how a person’s behaviors are influenced by their representational systems.
He may write her a poem or song and read or sing it to her. He will say words of appreciation for this reason or that reason, compliment her on her good looks, hair, smile,… If he’s a little more savvy than average, he will let her know that he thinks that she is smart or has some irresistible quality that is very sexy. The latter is a wiser approach since these qualities will more likely become enhanced with time, whereas her looks (the first group of qualities) will fade. A smart woman will want a man who is interested in more than her looks. The predicates that the “Auditory” will use are: loud, clear, hear, resonate, hush, roar, make music, harmonize, tune-in/out, Talk to you later (as opposed to See you later), Clear as a bell, rings a bell, Give me your ear, loud and clear, etc.
He will probably be quick to want to hug her, kiss her, and generally be all “warm and fuzzy” with her. The “Kinesthetic” will stand closer to another person. The kinesthetic person may stand a little to close for the comfort of a Visual. Visuals tend to want to stand back so they can see the “whole” person, after all, looks are important… Right? The “Visual” may feel less comfortable with the “up close and personal” or “Touchy/Feely” way of interacting with another. The difference between the visual and kinesthetic person in comfort space is more extreme since the visual likes a lot more space so they can see the whole person and get a good look at them… Invading a person’s space is a good way to break rapport.
The Rep Systems and how they apply in communicating caring and love.
It is a good idea to emphasize that everyone is unique in many ways and are not just a “Visusal” , “Auditory” , or “Kinesthetic”. Everyone will tend to operate with a combination of the rep systems. They will, however, have a rep system that they prefer and they will prefer the other rep systems to a lessor degree. A “Visual” can find hugs and the “warm and fuzzy or touchy feely” to be nearly as important as the other forms of courtship and displays of love. Hugs may be important, but there is only ONE number one Rep System which is absolutely necessary in order for the person to feel loved. Take away the number one way to perceive love and all of the hugs and warm and fuzzy in the world will not convey love to the Visual. The “Auditory” person may love Hugs also. He/she may want to say that hugs are just as important as being told how smart they are… good looking they are… cool they are… etc. The bottom line is that is that you could take the “Auditory” to the Super Bowl, buy them a $10K necklace, and they will not perceive that they are loved if you never call them to talk to them. Money does not talk in the case of the “Auditory”. They need to hear their significant other’s voice. A gift will not cut it like it would with a “Visual”. The “Visual” may feel that buying a love interest an expensive gift is going to score big points. That is true for another “Visual”, but the “Auditory needs to talk” and the “Kinesthetic” needs to be able to get close and touch, hug, the person of their affection. This applies to family relationships such as between parents and children. This is about how people perceive that they are loved generally, not just how lovers perceive love and affection in a romantic relationship. The father that sends gifts every Christmas and birthday, will not be seen as loving or caring if he is not calling on the phone (auditory) or visiting the kids (kinesthetic). Many fathers will be away from home on business and alienate their wife and kids by now fulfilling their love strategy. The man who works all of the time and leaves his “kinesthetic” wife at home alone with no one to talk to or touch may find soon that he is divorced after a few years of deprivation on the part of the wife. It just occurred to me, that one couple I know may have had their break up precipitated, in part, due to her being at work while he (Kinesthetic) was at home alone.
Not communicating caring and love in the other’s Rep System/Love Language can be disastrous.
Speaking of divorce, a friend told me that his wife had requested, (possibly subtly demanded) that he write her a poem. I told him that if he wanted to stay married, he should get busy and find a poem on the internet and customize it for her. A few months later, he was divorced. He either did not believe that she was serious, or did not care… Please keep in mind that I may give an example of a how a man will behave and that does not exclude a woman from behaving or responding, as the case may be, in the same way, in the same context. Poems are a very good means of communicating love and caring to some people. Some poets are known as being consummate seducers. Women are particularly found of a very seductive poem, especially one written with them in mind.
So, we are back to the young woman and her mid-life crisis.
The young woman begins to realize that she is missing something in her relationship (Love Strategy – Not Fullfilled!!!) The romance is not there, the appreciation may not be there, she doesn’t feel loved… and the biological clock is ticking. She is coming up on or already 28 years old and her marriage is not what it should be for the long haul. At this point, she may develop a wandering eye and may look for the love and appreciation elsewhere… Times are fixing to be tough for the man. Oh yes, he may not feel loved or appreciated either. Let’s say that one is a “Visual” and the other is “Auditory”
- She never says things about how lucky she is to have such a great man… He never tells her how good she looks…
- She paints a picture of them hugging on the beach. He isn’t gushing on how great the painting looks or even pays much attention to it.
- Other women are bragging about how awesome their guy is, she is silent.
- She goes shopping and buys him things that she overheard him say he wanted. He is not that excited or showing much appreciation for her thoughtfulness.
- He bought her an expensive microwave for Christmas. She bought him Speedo briefs that she thought would look totally hot on him.
- He doesn’t want to go out. He wants to watch the ball game. – She wants to go to a bed and breakfast (with Heart shaped hot tub) for Valentine’s Day.
- He makes little comments about her adding five – ten pounds to her 5’-5” frame…
- He tells her she is better looking than most of the graduating class. She tells him that
- He writes her a love poem and reads it to her with great enthusiasm. She did not respond all that positively because she was looking at something. She wanted him to spend some time shopping or creating some little gift for her.
Notice in the above that they conveyed their love in the Rep System that is most familiar to them eg. Love Poem vs Painting of us on beach. You will also note that the other party did not perceive love in any of the above even though they were looking for love and appreciation.
Slacking in the Relationship is Toxic
Here is the problem each one is conserving energy by only utilizing their Primary Rep System when dealing with the spouse. When they were courting, they each went out of their way to do everything possible to impress their love interest. In doing that, they inadvertently included all of the requirements for showing their love to their prospective mate. This required what to them may have seemed like a lot of effort. In order to win their mate over they utilized All of the Rep Systems to demonstrate that they cared for the love of their life. Soon after the honeymoon things settle down into a relatively mediocre excuse for a relationship. How mediocre the relationship is depends on the couple. The marriages where the couple do not fulfill the other’s Love Strategy will begin to fail. The marriage is very likely to end in divorce after a few years. The young woman is facing a situation where she needs a real man in her life… She needs a man that fulfills her Love Strategy till death do they part, not till the honeymoon is over. The man needs a woman who appreciates him, shows him that she loves him more today than she did yesterday, and she supports him in his endeavors. The woman will feel the same, feeling more and more loved will score points with both the man and woman.
The woman’s mid-life crisis will generally go from about 28 to 32 years of age.
When a woman is in her early twenties, she has lots of time to think about dating, romance, having a good time (partying in some cases), and the biological clock is not ticking. Generally speaking her life is likely to be quite good in many ways. She is considered to be at her peak physically and has time on her side. By the time she is 32, she will probably be single and will be looking for someone that will fulfill her Love Strategy. He will be disenchanted with marriage and may be gun shy about getting serious again anytime soon. She may have kids. He may have alimony and child support. They may both feel that life sucks, depending on how well they can adjust to being “back in the meat market”. Much unhappiness and pain can be avoided by knowing about the Love Strategies and then taking action to fulfill them. Knowing a person’s love strategy would help ensure that you are able to connect with that person on a deep level without saying that you care.
NLP Strategies are useful in Business, Career, Sales and Communications.
NLP Strategies are a interesting topic with lots of applications in business, career, sales, and communications generally speaking. You might want to, take a seminar or training which will give you more skills in using NLP Strategies in a multitude of situations which will empower you in life and relationships.